U Up?

Man Ray,  Meret Oppenheim nude, 1930′s

Ladies and gentlemen, you didn’t ask for it, but here it is anyways, a new love advice column called “U Up?”. The alternatives were “Liz the Love Wiz” or “Zarka for the Heartka” so put it all into perspective.

As a person who has: dated a Creationist; thought she had oral herpes but it was actually just adult acne; ceremonially married a dentist at a Berlin night club; made out with a pro hand farter before he was famous; had her breasts likened to persimmons by a person with an eyebrow piercing that was never not infected*, and reads the DSM-IV for sport, I feel that I am uniquely qualified for this position.  

That’s right, like anyone who dabbled in college theater, I’ve been to the rodeo, gotten lost at the rodeo, and asked for directions at the rodeo more than once. The rodeo was supposed to be a metaphor for sex and sexual identity, but I’m not sure it’s working. What i’m trying to say is that I have had sex at least once, and know some very adventurous and silly people who have ALSO had it. 

But even cowgirls get the blues. This sleepy betty is ready to hang up her spurs, settle down, and try her luck at tackling the tough subjects–the anything and everything around relationships, love and sex. Things like:

  • pregnancy scares
  • hooking up with a friend
  • thruples
  • vagina smells
  • sex work
  • being married to a dentist
  • getting aroused by a particularly voluptuous tomato
  • having a crush on your cousin
  • STDs
  • you know, normal stuff! 

Feel free to post your inquiries here, anonymously or otherwise, or send them to elizabethzarka@gmail.com. I’ll be answering them weekly, bi-weekly, or something like that. Tune in later to see what unfolds!

*On the record, my boobs are normal boob shape. Ask anyone with a Snapchat.